Countdown
by you-idjits
Summary: Post-S5. Dean lives with Ben and Lisa for one year. A lot can happen in one year. (The nightmares never really go away)


Day 7

Lisa asks what happened. Dean locks himself in his room with a bottle of whiskey.

* * *

Day 23

Dean offers to play catch with Ben. Ben's pretty good at baseball by now; maybe he'll make the middle school team next year. They talk about sports, and Ben asks if Dean ever played as a kid.

"I was a wrestling champion, once," Dean says, "but we never stayed in one place for a whole season."

Dean was the champion of brotherly love and ultimate sacrifice and shoot-the-werewolf-through-the-heart. He was the best damn hunter in the world, probably. He was the Righteous Man and Michael's true vessel and a whole lot of other impossible things.

He _was_.

* * *

Day 47

Dean thinks he sees Castiel outside his window, but when he gets up to look, there's nothing there. He misses that angel so much it hurts.

* * *

Day 50

Dean passes a man with dark hair and a trench coat on the street. He doubles back and tails the guy for a while, unable to get a clear look. When the man rounds a corner, Dean shoves him up against the alley wall.

"Why didn't you come back?" he wants to say. Halfway through the third word, Dean realizes it isn't Castiel, just some poor shmuck in a trench coat. He drops his hands like the touch will burn and storms off.

* * *

Day 79

Ben asks if Dean will come into school for Career Day. Dean is skeptical, but he knows Lisa wants him to get out more, so he says yes.

Ben tells the whole class that he's a war veteran. It's true, in a sense. Dean has seen horrors. The fires of hell still flash under his eyelids at night. His throat is raw from waking up screaming. War doesn't even come close.

Dean met War, and he chopped off his fingers.

* * *

Day 95

Dean and Lisa have sex. He pretends to enjoy it. He doesn't enjoy anything, really. He wishes he could have been the one to jump into the Cage.

This is the life Sam wanted. This is the life Sam will never have.

Dean blames himself; of course he does. He's the trophy child of self-loathing.

Dean is a hunter, always has been, always will be. He tries so hard to attend barbecues and baseball games, to keep a job and kiss Lisa goodnight. But hunter blood flows in his veins.

After Lisa falls asleep, he prays to Castiel. He prays to Castiel every damn night.

* * *

Day 130

Lisa invites the neighbors over for dinner. Dean gets lost in memories and accidentally shatters a wine glass. He cuts his hand open on a shard.

Karen from next door faints at the sight of all that blood. Rob looks like he might too.

Oh, Dean remembers. He's supposed to flinch. That's supposed to hurt.

_Alistair once sawed off his hands at the wrist with a shard of glass. _

"Oh my God," Rob says as Dean threads a needle with dental floss. "Doesn't that hurt?"

Dean sews up the suture without saying a word. "I've had worse."

* * *

Day 144

Ben's best friend's father asks Dean out for drinks. The man has shaggy hair and a puppy-dog smile, and he holds his pool cue the way Sam does - _did._

* * *

Day 168

One of Dean's coworkers is talking about going on a hunting trip. He invites Dean along.

"You ever been hunting?" he asks.

"Once or twice," Dean says.

It's as close as he ever gets to breaking his promise to Sam.

* * *

Day 169

"You're pretty good with that gun," Marty says, after Dean's killed a deer from two hundred yards away.

"I'm out of practice," Dean admits.

"You did pretty well with that deer. What's the most dangerous thing you've shot?"

_I stood toe-to-toe with the Devil and shot him point-blank in the head._

"I hit an elk, once."

* * *

Day 203

Sam has been in Hell for seventy years. Dean wonders if anyone upstairs cares.

* * *

Day 217

Ben asks if he can take a spin in the Impala.

Dean says, "Sure, why the hell not."

They cruise for a little while. It's been seven months since Dean sat behind this wheel, and it feels good. He wonders why he ever put this car away.

He turns to his right and expects Sam to be there, but the seat is empty.

Oh, that's why.

* * *

Day 265

"That's it," Lisa says, "no more alcohol. You take another sip and you'll have to go."

Dean puts down the glass. He has wanted to leave since the day he set foot in this house. He yearns to be back on the road, to risk his life to save others.

But it's been too long. Dean is afraid. He can't do this on his own.

* * *

Day 312

Ben is watching a horror movie in the basement. Dean walks by, glances at the screen, and then settles down to watch.

"That's wrong," he says, gesturing to the screen. His mouth creases into a frown. "Vamps aren't afraid of a goddamn vegetable."

Ben looks at Dean, something like awe and wonder in his eyes. "You've met vampires?"

Dean snorts. "I've _killed_ vampires. And you don't use a stake either, kid. Decapitation's the way to go."

Ben makes a face. "How do you behead a vampire?"

It's been so long since he's talked about it. The memories hurt somewhere inside, but they're more of a dull ache now. "I've got a couple of machetes. You wanna see them?"

Ben nods furiously. "Dude, of course! That is so _cool_!"

Lisa catches them playing with knives and gives them both a lecture.

"I can't believe you, Dean! Ten months of nothing and then I find you showing Ben your _weapons_? He's _eleven_. He's going to get hurt. You're going to get him hurt."

Dean looks from Ben to the machete in his hands.

If Dean lets Ben in, he'll get hurt. He'll get hurt like John and Ellen and Jo and Adam and Sam and every other damn person Dean's cared about.

This is his family now. This is all he has. He can't let anything happen to them. He has to leave that life behind.

* * *

Day 367

Dean sees scratches on a telephone pole, and he goes to investigate.


End file.
